take a deep breathe

aku cape bgt mau peluk ibu

 gimana ya rasanya saling sayang sama saudara kandung? tiap liat orang orang yang deket sama kakaknya aku ngeliatnya justru aneh. kayak "kok bisa si mereka gitu?" tapi ternyata yang aneh iitu hubungan aku sama saudara ku. kita ga pernah saling care, aku ngerasa sendiri dan mereka pun mungkin ngerasain itu juga. bahkan makin dewasa, kita makin jauh. Makin banyak konflik yang bikin kita makin pecah dan ngejauh satu sama lain. aku udh ga pernah lagi nelpon atau pun ngobrol dirumah sama saudaraku yang pertama. aku juga ga ngerti kenapa rasa kecewa, benci, marah, kesel dan semua perasaan negatif itu gakbisa hilang dan ga bisa aku maafin. sampe kadang aku takut banget kalo ortu ku pergi ninggalin aku, karena aku tau pasti aku gabakal punya tempat lari selain ke allah. mereka ada, tapi akutau aku gbisa lari kesana, bahkan rumahku udh ga nyaman lagi buat pulang sekarang karena udah terlalu banyak konflik dan kejadian masa lalu yang abangku lakuin  yang belum bisa aku maafin sampe sek...

 semester 6 cepet banget?!! jujur sedikit kaget karena waktu jalannya cepet ya.  sems 6 ini selain matkul makin pusing aku juga makin banyak mikirin hal hal yang harus dihadapin kedepannya. proposal, skripsi, magang, nilai, skill, sertifikasi dan banyak yng lain. aku takut banget ga bisa hadapin semuanya dengan baik.  kaya sekarang aku mulai ngerasa ketinggalan. orang orang diangkatan aku udah pada mulai magang bahkan ada yang udah selesai. aku masih stuck di rasa takut, takut kketolak, takut gak bisa, takut ada yang lebih jago, takut di remehin. beberapa daari mereka juga udah mulai nyusun judul, bimbingan sedangkan aku masih stuck disini. makanya skrg aku cukup burnout karena lagi banyak banget pikiran. aku pengen ngejar judul, ngumpulin portofolio buat magang dan sibuk sama organisasi beasiswa juga. tapi aku yakin kok aku bisa. aku pasti bisa selesai magang di 2025 ini, bisa selesai sempro di 2025 juga. bisa lulus tepat waktu di sems 8 nanti wisuda.   like sh...

Growing up with 2 brothers, ppl think it's sounds good and fun. I don't know  how to describe what i feel but i could say no.  Since i was child, me and my brother never say any good words each other. Sometimes i wonder how is it feel to have those brother who care, love, and soft to you. Cause i never did that.  We were grew up given each others pain. We're often hurting and hating each other than being sweet and nice. That's why we're not close and hate each other ( actually me, i hate my first brother SO BAD). Cause he neber treated me well since i was kid. I still remember when i was on the elementary school, i fight wiyh him and he slap my ear, and it makes my ears start "ngingggg"( he's 10 yrs older than me). I cry at that night, my mom and dad didn't at home and i picked my school bag, taking my chlotes cause i was just thinking to go away from him. Such a fool memories:( Now, i already 20 and i still hate him. He never change, he is what he...

 Don't know why but this night my heart feels so heavy. All the memories from august to december come and got my tears out. It's been a month maybe since i gave him a closure. yes i did it, not bcs i didn't like him anymore but because  i can't find anything that can be my reason to stay. At that night, if i'm not mistaken its 1am on 15th december. After tell him to end everything, I cried maybe for 3 hours, sorry but it's really hurt to let go of someone that i never though he will leave me this way. I remove him on that night from my wa, and ig. Cause i don't want to know everything abt him anymore.  For him, maybe i'm just a little thing that ever come to his life. But he never know how hard for me to forget someone i ever loved cause i can count with my finger how many ppl i ever love in my life, bcs it's not something that happened in many times. That's why it took me for a long time to get over him Although i still remember abt him even som...

 today i tell my brother about my needs. bulan ini dan bulan depan bakal banyak biaya tambahan yang aku perluin. i telll my brother with hope that he's gonna say "ya nanti aku bantu tambah" and you know ? it seems just like somthin fantasy, cause it's not gonna happen. he did'nt even care all this long time about me, about how i survived here, how's my life here, do i need some money from him? no he didn't care at all.  since i was child, i just seen him such a rude person baik secara verbal maupun fisik that's why i hate him so bad. but u know? it's so annoyed that when u try to have a bad wishes for him because u hate him but u cannot do that cause there is still a piece of my heart that didn't want anything bad happened to him cause no matter what have done, he's still my brother. sometime i wonder about how's it feel to have a brother that love you and care about you. cause i never did it from my brother haha.